Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
