i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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