Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Randomize
