Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
