that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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