when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize