i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
