wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
