well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
