im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
