I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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