The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize