Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
