Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
