we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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