I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
