mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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