The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My ATM looks so different sober.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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