my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
