I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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