My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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