Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Too much gin, very little bucket
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
