Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
