I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
