I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
