god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
