Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
