What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
