How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
