i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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