I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
