i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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