Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
