I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
