well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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