Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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