My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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