walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
