I feel great
I just peed on a car
please come you make the beer taste better
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
