who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
