i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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