Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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