i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
