he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
