Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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