I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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