I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Found your dick twin last night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
