Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
