I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
As shirtless as possible
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
