his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
