Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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