I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
