tell your sister to shave her snatch
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
