Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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