my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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