btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
