does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
